Now available from HarperOne
Why We Fight
A Transformative Road Map to Healing Conflict in Any Relationship
Thirteen years of couples work taught Kim one thing: most fights aren't about what you think they're about. This book shows you what's actually driving them, and gives you a way to change it.
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What this book is about
Anyone in a long-term relationship knows that fighting is inevitable. The question is whether you can do it well. Fighting well is harder than it sounds, and learning how to do it is the foundation of every relationship that actually lasts.
Before Kim became a therapist, she spent years as an IT engineer for a Fortune 500 company. That background shaped how she thinks about conflict: find the root cause, then fix it. In Why We Fight, she brings that same approach to relationships.
You'll discover your core wound, the belief underneath your reactions. Something like “my feelings don't matter” or “I don't belong.” You'll learn why it keeps showing up in your closest relationships, and what to do when it does.
What you'll learn
- Find your core wound, the belief at the root of how you fight
- Understand your attachment style and how it plays out under pressure
- Use Kim's flowchart system to slow conflict down before it escalates
- Undo the relationship patterns you picked up in childhood
- Express what you actually mean without going on the defensive
- Know exactly when to troubleshoot conflict, and how to do it
Order your copy
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Pick up the hardcover or digital edition from your preferred retailer.
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Praise for Why We Fight
Relationship coach Polinder makes her adult debut with this pragmatic guide to navigating arguments more productively. She contends that fighting triggers past trauma, causing people to assume entrenched emotional roles rather than being their “true selves.” To fight more constructively, readers should work to better understand their core injuries, which often stem from unresolved childhood trauma or flawed parental relationship models. Polinder draws on her former career as an engineer for a methodical approach that centers on digging up root causes, and she provides such actionable tools as a step-by-step flowchart for working through conflicts, complete with troubleshooting questions for surmounting common sticking points. Readers who feel stuck in repetitive cycles of conflict with a partner, friend, or family member will be especially enlightened.
Publisher's Weekly
Featured on Tamron Hall
Kim joined Tamron Hall for a full episode dedicated to Why We Fight, exploring conflict, core wounds, and how to change your patterns.
“If you're sick of feeling out of control as the same old fights keep bubbling up, this book explains why it keeps happening. More importantly, it gives you a concrete roadmap to actually change your behavior.”
Kim Polinder, Why We Fight
Available on audio
Listen to Why We Fight
The audiobook is published by HarperOne and available on all major platforms. Kim narrates it herself.